It's Up For Grabs Now

2007-01-09T12:55:00.000Z

It's Up For Grabs Now is dead. We're over here

2006-11-24T17:40:00.000Z

Very early in the new year. Promise.

2006-05-29T12:34:00.000Z

We had to do it, didn't we - Finals Fantasy, our World Cup blog, is now open.

2006-05-22T21:27:00.000Z

Armchair Football subscribers: you've not missed the season review, we had problems over the weekend so will be sending it alongside this Thursday's normal mailout.

2006-05-22T16:45:00.000Z

Presumably because he might as well, St Etienne's Bob Stanley (the music St Etienne, yes) is hosting a season of football documentaries at the Barbican in London over three days in June. Excellent stuff it looks too, with 5th June featuring The Saturday Men (West Brom, 1963) and the Brian Clough Calendar Special in which Austin Mitchell hosts a right Cloughie tear-up with Don Revie after his departure from Leeds; on 6th June the extraordinary Leyton Orient - Yours For A Fiver ("I can hear a man in there with a voice like mine Monday!") and John Boorman's 1964 Swindon study Six Days to Saturday; and on 7th June the North Korea 1966 documentary The Game of Their Lives and a 1964 ITV World In Action on Stanley Matthews.

2006-05-15T16:53:00.000Z

Of course the subject wasn't to know, as she's Swedish, but is it really wise to kick off on a plane with Danny Mills in close attention?

2006-05-13T13:01:00.000Z

The FA Cup Final on the BBC - as it happened

13:00 A very old style introduction with clips of final goals from previous years, cutting off at Ray Parlour's, before Gary joins us outside Wembley. We see, and as further illustration we get revoiced footage of the Wembley-opening West Ham 1923 final victory. Turns out Lineker was at the Millennium Stadium all along. Who knew? The usual selection of clips from Liverpool and West Ham final wins follows before Gary introduces his first guests. Usually they're people who won't be coming back to the TV studio later, which was what many would hope of Mark Lawrenson and Ian Wright, still looking out of the window at every opportunity. "We used to come on at about nine o'clock in the morning" Gary laughs, having introduced them as people with "an obvious connection" to the two clubs. Ian Wright at West Ham? Oh, first club you connect him with. They debate the day and the chances, Wright revealing that Pardew would "put lemon in his hair", shrugging off a horrible shake on the two-shot camera, among shots from outside - "some of them think Rafa Benitez is Mexican!"

13:08 Ah, there's some sort of Road To The Millennium Stadium this year, is there? No, it's following Chasetown during and after their near-shock against Oldham in the first round, finishing with a useless Alan Sugar cameo. Back in the studio Gary points out that Ian is sitting right in front of the BBC ovular logo and it looks like "probably the least deserved halo". The teams have already arrived, which ruins a lot of the traditional build-up for us, Gary pointing out Pardew's "pink number, the sort of thing you would wear, Wrighty".

13:15 "Some of this season's unforgettable FA Cup moments" sounds ominous, but in fact it's a Match Of The Day 2-styled, Chiles-voiced Top Ten, unfortunately played dead straight for the most part. Someone with slightly better West Ham connections, Sir Trevor Brooking, replaces Wright in the studio, wearing an FA Cup pin badge and dismissing the reaction to his headed goal as "a bit of fun". Gary points out he's not got the club tie on, Trevor reassuring us that he has badges and ribbons on his bag. Well, that's a lot of help. He also assures that neither he nor Brian Barwick will celebrate goals, which is begging for a cutaway shot or hundred.

13:26 Garth interviews Ricardo Villa, seemingly because he can.

13:34 That seemed a long time. John Motson reports from pitchside, pointing out that not only did the two meet in the 1981 League Cup final but Alan Hansen scored the winner. Gary still asks for a "stat of the day", the best he can immediately come up with being that West Ham's chairman's family were in the crowd for the 1923 final. Jimmy Tarbuck turns up in the studio, surely his first final visit since ITV abandoned his matchday bar, to talk about Bill Shankly and call Gerard Houllier an "autocrat". Brilliantly, he mentions the 1987 pre-game celebrity match (against Sir David's Tottenham Frostspurs, lest we forget).

13:42 Here's fun as attempts are made to link West Ham to their surroundings with the aid of Ray Winstone, Billy Bragg (taped at a recent gig at Barking, and who seems to have Winstone commenting on his interview), Billy Bonds, Alan Taylor, Paul Allen and Edward Hellaby ('West Ham fan since 1915') talking about Billie The White Horse again. Nobody seems to know how come they sing I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles, which seems right somehow.

13:53 As we get the first banners of the final Phill Jupitus shows up, his punditry predictive skills being about as good as expected. His badinage with Tarby is curtailed by a shot of Chris Evans being denied access without a ticket and wanly explaining "I left it on my helicopter". Should he not have some sort of BBC universal pass?

13:58 Gary's "great result for Grimsby there" can't help sounding patronising given the circumstances it's being broadcast from, but there you go. Adrian finishes off his round-up before Gary introduces the day's panel, "a bunch of has-beens now Shearer's retired" - he's between Hansen and Wright as the independent option.

14:08 Adrian's back to tell us about how we can rate the players during the game. Well, that's not going to be helpful. Mark Bright gets to chat to Nigel Reo-Coker in a well appointed home, not his own, with introductory Walt Whitman poetry, which seems to be putting a touch too much levity on things, even if he does talk up Sun Tzu's The Art of War and reveal he accidentally swore at Sven. Everyone wants a great game. Yeah, they always say that.

14:18 "Rafa the gaffer" talks to Steve Wilson, after which Hansen assesses "the dark days are over", which leads to some chat about Peter Crouch.

14:27 It took them this long to mention the 1990 semi-final? Jonathan Pearce bases his Pardew chat at a pavement cafe and we get to see his suit measurement, a televisual entertainment that we thought had died out with the cup final single. Gary mentions his "heavyweight questions" afterwards. Of course we get the goal again as "it's always worth seeing a goal that Hansen's at fault for", Hansen blaming "zonal defence". Shearer makes a very strange noise, like a high pitched 'yippee', in amusement.

14:37 Steven Gerrard's turn to talk to Ivan Gaskell, referring to the white suits and seemingly claiming he needs to make sure "the microphones are at a consistent level" in his captaincy role. Gary asks Ian if he's "the sort of player you'd want your son to play alongside". He doesn't bite, luckily.

14:44 To the commentators, and as commentators get their own cutaway these days it allows us to speculate on who the unidentified woman in a headset next to them is. Abide With Me is delivered competitively by Lesley Garrett and a woman in a small top, backed, apparently, by "the Royal Band of Electrical and Mechanical Engineers", slightly ruined when a big fan close-up shot moves wildly just as the director cuts to it. Michael Ball, Prince William, etc etc etc. "He's big enough to play centre back, isn't he?" is Lawrenson's verdict on the royal guest of honour while Motson drifts into Brian Barwick's collection of antique Liverpool programmes before adding a hasty "don't try and burgle his house, by the way". Ohhhh?

15:00 "We're not going to see Roberto Di Matteo's record broken this year" Motson concedes fifty seconds in, as he probably will every year. Lawro claims Crouch is nicknamed "coathanger" without expanding while Motson attempts to make a rhyme out of "lecture for Fletcher" before both fail to think of punchline when Lawro mentions Cisse's different coloured boots. Fair to say there's not a great deal happening until...

15:20 "It's an own goal! It's an own goal!" Yeah, alright. Carragher puts it in with his standing foot and West Ham are one up. We're still wondering whether Lawro's "there I was thinking Scaloni might be the weakest link" is supposed to be a joke.

15:26 OK, we've seen it now.

15:27 "Fumble by Reina and has Dean Ashton got it? Yes he has!" You can't help thinking Liverpool are bringing this upon themselves...

15:32 ...but that from Cisse was brought about by themselves, everyone seemingly surprised despite it having been on the cards since the second goal, particularly a tight call on Peter Crouch. "They'll need a ruler in the studio at half time on those two decisions" Motson ponders, perhaps not aware of graphics developments, eventually working out that Cisse is comfortably onside from a slo-mo.

15:47 As we hear Motson put his mike down Gary concedes "we've been crying out for a great cup final, and we might just have one". Hansen thinks similarly but Wright is more circumspect, conceding "it must be great, if you're a neutral".

15:51 How did it take this long for anyone to refer to last season's Champions League final? Shearer finally wakes up, declaring "there's no such thing as nearly onside, Alan, you're either offside or you're not". That must be a private thing.

15:55 Just time to announce April Goal Of The Month, and "the winner was Alan Shearer's old mate Craig Bellamy". In case we didn't get it Gary back-announced with the message "Alan's just sending him a text to congratulate". Luckily Shearer can be heard joining in the laughs. Gary then goes through the user ratings but runs out of impetus halfway through the explanation - "text 81010... you can read the rest for yourself."

16:03 Full marks to Motson for spotting Kewell's injury, no marks to Lawro for thinking aloud "we all know what happened the last time he went off in a final" and Motson elucidating for the hard of thinking.

16:12 "Gerrarrrrrd! It's 2-2!" Motson does make a habit of elongating his surname, doesn't he? Lawrenson is surprised as "Liverpool messed the freak, er, free kick up a little". Well, Crouch did help set it up. Motson points out that "Steven Gerrard has scored in his last five cup finals. I have to be honest and say one of them was an own goal..." Well, yes.

16:22 "Ashton's in the centre, so is Harew...oh, it's gone straight in! Would you believe it?" Even Pardew seems stunned into silence. And, wouldn't you have guessed, "Liverpool know all about making it 3-3..." It's like Tyldesley around here.

16:25 "John? Alonso's signalling to the bench." They're certainly earning their keep in the box, although as Motson claims Crouch departing by predicted by "our reporter" it does raise a few questions. They're enjoying it nonetheless, Lawro enthusing "I want extra time here, I don't want this to end."

16:40 It's time for Motson to start asking the difficult questions. "Now, would you have taken Crouch off?" Lawro somewhat ruins the moment by beginning his response "yes, I think I would". As Motson starts worrying about Steven Gerrard's fitness the other end of the natural stamina scale gets ready, and again with the Tyldesley refracting, or possibly Pearce, as Motson thinks "it's ready, steady Teddy", a few minutes later seemingly genuinely shocked - "Oh! His first touch is handball!" Motson reckons "It's one of the best cup finals I've been involved in", although surely his involvement is relatively decorative. Notably he deems it "very sporting of Scaloni to put the ball back there", to which Lawro points out that "of course Liverpool have to get the ball back". Well, surely that won't matter now.

16:48 "Oh, it's four minut...GERRARD!" So much for that injury. Motson immediately labels it "surely the best cup final of modern times" and then ruins it by calling it "like Istanbul all over again". We've got that particular picture now.

16:52 "West Ham must feel the cup has been stolen from their lips" is Motson's curious verdict, presumably thinking of those photos of players sipping champagne/milk from the trophy, as we go "into over...into extra time". Reckoning rightly that "you and I have probably deserved a break" he hands back to the studio, where Gary admits "we were going to have a Goal Of The Season competition later, but I think we'll have to scrap it". Hansen is effusive, calling it "one of the great games I've ever seen" topped when Gerrard "hit one from about 75 yards". Shearer claims "someone needs to get hold of my legs, I've got cramp watching it" while Wright reckons "they should make a film out of it". Steady on. There's the usual self-referencing - "Ian, can you remember the last time a replay finished 3-3?" "There's not many who score two in a final like that".

16:57 Motson's full of the smaller details today, spotting two coin tosses at the start of extra time, one for penalties, and claiming "I know a man who had a bet on West Ham before the third round at 40-1". Not Ricky George, was it? Lawro has upgraded his opinion to "the best Cup final I've ever witnessed", Motson sticking with "the best since the 50s" as we enter what Lawro calls "regulation time". He's found his favourite, claiming "the more I see of Benayoun the more I think of Devonshire" "Interesting comparison, Mark..." is all Motson can say.

17:14 While everyone keeps a tally on numbers down some amusement is gleaned from the big bandage around Cisse's leg, firstly how it doesn't go with his day-glo boots and secondly when the physio claims it's merely cramp. "It's like a battlefield there" Lawro overstates, Motson wondering if with Harewood unable to stand and many others feeling their legs giving way under them "we'll have to send Alan Shearer down to take one". Bit late to put him on the team sheet now. Motson briefly wonders at a West Ham free kick "you don't think Sheringham will...", to which Lawro ascertains "if he does I'll throw myself off the balcony". He doesn't.

17:29 "Someone's missed it - it's hit the post... I don't believe Harewood put that wide" Motson screams before Lawro reminds him that he'd written his fitness off himself, which Motty admits on the replay. "Off the post, how close can you come to winning the cup?" he wonders, which is a moot point, before finally after 119 minutes pulling out the worldwide audience gambit. Name some station that are showing it, then.

17:32 The managers "need to get the pen and paper out" as, as Gary inevitably puts it, "3-3 and a penalty shoot out. Where have we heard that before?" Ian goes oddly Carribbean accented, demanding "look at Shaka, man! He's ready for this, man!", before Alan offers an almost wan "good luck, boys". As Gary quips, "You wait 124 years for one and then two come together..."

17:37 "Now the scene switches, or stays, here in Cardiff" Motson declares, and after two saves Sheringham appears to be the fastest man on the pitch when celebrating. "Alan Wiley's writing the score down on a red card, would you believe" says the ever, um, alert Motson.

17:40 "Oh, it's a poor penalty! It's a poor penalty!"

17:41 "If he doesn't score from this Liverpool have won the cup... They have won the cup!"

17:42 As Anton Ferdinand produces the image by collapsing to the floor and requiring three people to pick him up, Garth gives it the traditional overquestioning to Gerrard, who inevitably declares it "a dream day". Ivan Gaskell meanwhile makes for Reo-Coker, although attention is diverted by the officials hugging right behind him. All that's left is for Gary and the team to attempt to whisk through the entire game in two minutes flat and introduce a closing montage set to - but of course! - Hoppipolla of Cardiff's Cup final tradition, and we can all start getting our breath back.

2006-05-10T17:26:00.000Z

FIFA have released the slogans that will be on the sides of the team buses during the World Cup, as voted for on their website. Some of them, you'll be surprised to learn, are deeply questionable:

Argentina - "Get up, Argentina are on the move"
Hint: don't put "get up" in the slogan for a South American country. "Go to ground", possibly

Costa Rica - "Our army is the team, our weapon is the ball. Let's go to Germany and give it our all"
Not that football should be officially connected with violence

France – "Liberté, egalité, Jules Rimet"
Dreams of pre-1970 football rather than friendship? Sounds about right

Germany - "We are football"
No you aren't

Korea Republic - "Never-ending legend, united Korea"
Although the North being a seperate international entity that didn't qualify spoils that image a bit

Spain – "Spain. One country, one goal"
That's our money off Raul or David Villa as Golden Boot winner

Switzerland – "2006, it's Swiss o'clock"
We hope to god this is knowing irony

Ukraine – "With our support, Ukraine cannot fail to win!"
Is that legally binding?

2006-05-08T19:29:00.000Z

Fair to say we were wrong, then.

Well, 18 out of 23 wrong. Ledley King, who had a similar injury to Rooney's but appears to have spent two weeks longer on crutches, is out and Phil Neville's form dipped, but otherwise it's the obvious three of Wright-Phillips, Defoe and Bent, at least two of whom Eriksson is on the record as stating he would like to see at the World Cup, we got wrong as the man who a lot of people criticised for having no invention in his teams seems to have discovered a live and let die streak while picking a squad for a tournament that most agree is England's best chance of silverware in years, the time when one might expect a little prudence.

Of the five we missed you can at least see the logic of the defensively minded two, Owen Hargreaves - who must have something going for him given he's a regular for Bayern Munich and by all accounts has been playing very well of late, but appears to be the most hated man in Britain - being able to fill in at the back, although Jermaine Jenas for King is a brave one unless Sven has absolute faith in his central defensive options. Then we get to the two uncapped players and the one whose international experience comes to 29 minutes fifteen months ago. Even if he hadn't had every single paper behind his claims on Sunday Nigel Reo-Coker seemed closer to international recognition than Aaron Lennon, surely Shaun Wright-Phillips, for all his lack of consistent play, is a more worrying option for opposing full backs than the onepaced Downing and... well, we can see the value in having opposing teams scared by the fact that just because Rooney and/or Owen is/are out doesn't mean England can't put forward a scarily quick teenager, but it's odd to think that Arsene Wenger might well have convinced Eriksson to put him in the squad when he can't convince himself to put him in Arsenal's first team. He's only ever played three times for their reserves, albeit scoring twice and going off injured after 17 minutes in the third. The idea has germinated with many that Sven might change to 4-5-1, but one international innovation at a time, and anyway Crouch surely cannot play up front on his own, as Benitez eventually realised.

At least there's a perceived dearth in good international defenders these days, eh?

2006-05-02T20:59:00.000Z

We've been meaning to make semi-serious comment on here for a few days but various other things have beaten us. Perhaps tomorrow. In the meantime, what the hell are these?

2006-04-30T22:42:00.000Z

There's a shock awaiting for Ghana, who are planning a World Cup warm-up in England against Jamaica. They can't get a London ground because none of them are prepared so soon after the end of the domestic season, so they've moved it to Leicester - according to AllAfrica.com, however, they can't get the Walkers Stadium, but "Filbert Street, the old football ground for Leicester Football Club was only secured because the rugby team also uses the ground and the rugby league has just begun." Which is interesting, given Filbert Street is now student flats, there isn't a rugby league club in the city and the nearby Welford Road rugby union ground is in the closing stages of its season.

2006-04-29T21:44:00.000Z

Forgot this was still up, but can it really be ten years ago to the day?

2006-04-27T16:12:00.000Z

We've sold our birthright down the Amazon to a nation of 180 million favela dwellers and carnival dancers who spend half their lives in scorching heat!

2006-04-24T17:14:00.000Z

Sandy Brown, Jamie Pollock, Wayne Hatswell... welcome to your classic own goal club Bury's Chris Brass

2006-04-18T18:35:00.000Z

True, they don't have the all encompassing nature of yore thanks to assorted rights issues, but Panini's World Cup sticker book is on the way and, ladies and gentlemen - alright, gentlemen alone - we have a World Cup countdown on.

2006-04-16T08:38:00.000Z

There's still 22 days until the final squads for the World Cup have to be announced, let alone the 54 until it actually starts (and by the way, thanks to everyone who expressed an interest in our World Cup blog - we've now got as many people as we need and will get in touch again very soon), and already Mexico and Trinidad & Tobago have named their preliminary squads. An opportune time, then, to revisit the squad we picked for England last October and see how it needs changing...

Robinson, Kirkland, James, Neville G, Young, Cole A, Bridge, Terry, Ferdinand, Campbell, Carragher, King, Lampard, Gerrard, Parker, Beckham, Wright-Phillips, Cole J, Downing, Owen, Rooney, Defoe, Johnson

To get the easy replacements over with first, Chris Kirkland's long-term broken finger injury means he'll lose his place in the pre-match ball throwing to Robert Green, Andy Johnson is scoring again but surely won't impress at high enough a level to force his way past Crouch or Defoe, and our dark horse Scott Parker is out for the season. In defence there's an actual injury crisis brewing as Sol Campbell's return looked assured until he broke his nose but that shouldn't keep him out for the rest of the season - indeed, word is he might be back next weekend - unlike Ashley Cole, who's played about an hour's worth of first team football since October. Arsene Wenger says he'll be ready for the end of the season and Sven looks like giving his first team regulars leeway with regard to injuries, but he has a readymade replacement in Wayne Bridge now he's getting regular games. Both will probably go, which leaves open a potential two places. Jamie Carragher will surely get the nod for one as much for his adaptability as his scintillating form, but Luke Young has injured ankle ligaments, although Alan Curbishley is optimistic. Might Sven go with the trusted utility man Phil Neville (who, oddly for a 52 cap man, has never been in a World Cup finals squad)? Given injuries elsewhere, don't rule it out.

The trouble with naming what we've always had down as seven midfielders is the first four pick themselves and then it's perm any one from a whole host of options. Of the three we picked out one's more than likely out, Stewart Downing hasn't recovered his earlier form after injury yet and Shaun Wright-Phillips is likely to go despite not enough first team chances this season. Who else, then? Most probables - Dawson, Lennon, Nolan, Reo-Coker - won't go simply for lack of experience, which leaves the rapidly becoming highly unpopular Jermaine Jenas, Kieran Richardson who can deputise on the left but doesn't play a lot, Owen Hargreaves who must be of some worth as he's been highly rated for his regular performances in a title-winning side for a few years now but nobody in England trusts in the slightest (clearly Hugo Boss haven't been concentrating) and Michael Carrick, who's most likely to go of these few in case King needs to slip back into defence. As for the other position, if we assume Owen, Rooney, Crouch, Defoe is the first choice strikeforce, might Sven look at the injury situation and gamble on a fifth striker, almost certainly Darren Bent, instead of reinforcing a midfield that as it is can call on two anchors, three wingers and two playmakers? You have to say it's an angle worth pursuing and Eriksson has made noises in the direction of having plenty of attacking options, which would finally makes the squad...

Robinson, James, Green, Neville G, Neville P, Cole A, Bridge, Terry, King, Ferdinand, Campbell, Carragher, Lampard, Gerrard, Beckham, Cole J, Wright-Phillips, Carrick, Owen, Rooney, Crouch, Defoe, Bent

And may St George go with them. While we're about it, did this really ever look like a World Cup winning squad in 2002?

Seaman, Martyn, James, Mills, Cole A, Bridge, Ferdinand, Campbell, Brown, Keown, Southgate, Sinclair, Beckham, Scholes, Hargreaves, Cole J, Butt, Dyer, Fowler, Owen, Heskey, Sheringham, Vassell

They say the past is a foreign country, but it does seem like much longer since Keown, Southgate and Fowler were in an England squad - indeed the former won his last cap in a warm-up game and Fowler as a sub in the second round game against Denmark. Gerrard was injured during the warm-up games, Lampard plain not picked despite having already been capped. Still, though, let's recall how against Argentina Hargreaves was replaced through injury by Trevor Sinclair and give thanks for how much stronger the squad has got in the four years since.

2006-04-03T16:50:00.000Z

Is the first Liverpool-Newcastle 4-3 really ten years ago? Can we safely tell our anecdote of deciding the first fifteen minutes were expendable and hence missing three goals now?

Sad to relate, however, that the elderly, flat capped Newcastle fan who turned up in close-up during every live game at St James' Park during those couple of years has long passed on.

2006-04-03T16:11:00.000Z

We're now within ten weeks of the World Cup finals getting underway. No, they probably won't be all that, but it's the anticipation and magnitude that's important. As some of you will know, two summers ago we blogged Euro 2004 under the title Lisbonic Plague, where we analysed every last live TV game from a broadcasting perspective, pointed out the newsworthy absurdities and received displeased messages from one of the people behind that TalkSport-sponsored, Dexys-inspired Come On England record. It's still up, look!

This year we're doing something very similar, as in reviewing every last scrap of live coverage and commenting as we go rather than annoying the musicians on unofficial England anthems. This time we hope to take a more analytical, reactive bent as befits the situation while still knowing how to take the piss out of everything that moves and plenty that doesn't. What'll be different this time around is that we're planning a collaborative approach, hiring a number of intelligent, knowledgeable, even like-minded writers willing to put the effort in throughout the thirty days of the finals and who'll be invited to add comments and entries wherever they see fit. This is where you come in, as we'd like names to be put forward to fill
out the ranks, whether yourself or someone you could suggest within reason. Being able to watch the afternoon kickoffs is preferable but not necessary. Having a good standard of English and a keen sense of humour is.

So, how does it sound? Tell us: upforgrabsnow@btinternet.com Of the very few replies we're expecting we'll take a look, ask around our own leads just
in case and then come back to you well in advance of the blog launch date in late May with instructions and ideas.

2006-04-02T13:04:00.000Z

Apart from getting direct post linking to work, which we've been aiming for for a while now and never quite worked out, we've made a pledge to ourselves to post here more often, which might well be good news even if it's just linking to video of Chris Waddle at Marseille. It's left out that run he made through the entire Milan team in a European Cup game before being tackled ten yards out after rounding the keeper, mind.

2006-04-01T11:54:00.000Z

Sir Bobby Robson: "would a foreign coach do any better than Alan Curbishley at Charlton?"

At the start of the day, Charlton were in the bottom half of the table having failed to win away in ten league games or anywhere in five of the last seven. Mind if we come back to you on that?

2006-03-20T20:05:00.000Z

While we're in a feisty mood, wasn't it the G14 who went along with UEFA taking the second group stage out of the Champions League after their own managers complained of the wear on players?

In fact, why haven't the G14 ever acknowledged that none of their own fans actually like the concept?

2006-03-20T11:27:00.000Z

Question to all pundits: how do you know Mike Dean couldn't see Drogba's handball, given there was nobody between him and the incident when the ball veered off from about the point Drogba's arm was at? Did Sky implant a video camera between his eyes?And when you say there's no way the assistant could have spotted it either despite, as Dean has said, immediately using the now common electronic messaging device, are you calling him a liar in public, a legally actionable offence?

Oh, and why didn't you make this fuss when Xabi Alonso was sent off last weekend for a foul neither official saw?

2006-03-19T23:37:00.000Z

The traditionalist, or fatalist if you like, in us was heartened by whispers of the possible return of England B internationals. A curious, almost amorphous idea, the B team appears about every eight games to participate in two second string internationals and then goes back into hibernation. For instance, in 1998 England B played their first representative friendlies in four years, and this is how they looked. Remember, had the prevailing wind changed some of these players might have made it into Hoddle's 22 for France:

10/2/98 England B 1 Chile B 2
Kevin Pressman, Kieron Dyer (Steve Guppy), Jason Wilcox (Jamie Carragher), Riccardo Scimeca, Dominic Matteo, Gareth Hall, Ray Parlour (Scott Murray), Nigel Quashie (Frank Lampard), Darren Huckerby, Paul Merson, Emile Heskey
You forget how highly rated Chile were at this time, beating the seniors 2-0 at Wembley the following day - what did happen to Marcelo Salas? Played at the Hawthorns, Merson captained, Peter Taylor coached, Heskey scored the late consolation.

21/4/98 England B 4 Russia B 1
Ian Walker, Steve Watson (John Curtis), Carl Serrant, Darren Williams, Wayne Quinn, Trevor Sinclair (Kieron Dyer), Darren Anderton (Lee Hendrie), Nick Barmby (David Johnson), Les Ferdinand (Kevin Phillips), Jamie Carragher, Matt Le Tissier
Le Tiss famously scored a hat-trick here at Loftus Road (Sir Les got the other) but continued to be ignored by Glenn Hoddle. He was useless when he did play for England, we didn't miss much. Oh, and if you thought Oldham's Carl Serrant winning representative honours was unlikely, bear in mind Alan Rogers, Darren Holloway (a lot of players called Darren, weren't there?), Michael Clegg and Matt Jansen were also in the squad.

2006-03-19T01:44:00.000Z

February 2005: Hunter Davies pours scorn on Wayne Rooney's book deal

March 2005: Hunter Davies is announced as Wayne Rooney's ghostwriter

2006-03-11T20:04:00.000Z

From this week's pile of scraps: Arsenal remind us all of the years of Spurs/Judaism references, Martin Dahlin comes back to haunt Blackburn and Kerlon's 'seal dribble', which we think we've linked to before but in a much more fiddly fashion.

2006-03-04T12:40:00.000Z

Rafael van der Vaart delivers another defence splitting pass. Obviously it would have been better had the scorer allowed the pass to go straight in, but there you go.

In other video news, a Mexican player takes route one to the art of the counter attack, apparently from "behind the middle court line". What is this, real tennis?

2006-03-01T21:20:00.000Z

At least Wigan still know how to enjoy themselves

2006-02-25T22:03:00.000Z

With Clive Woodward steadfast in his motives for moving from the British Lions to football coaching, why shouldn't Sky make out Sven's headed the other way?

2006-02-19T17:36:00.000Z

We know we did an England squad manque back in October, but with friendly season starting in the middle of next week and the squad to face Uruguay next Wednesday announced tomorrow we thought we'd take a more thorough approach. Sven says he knows up to twenty of the squad already, so let's take as our starting point the 23 named for the friendly against Argentina: Robinson, Green, James; Young, Bridge, Konchesky, Campbell, Ferdinand, King, Terry; Beckham, Carrick, Cole J, Gerrard, Jenas, Lampard, Neville P, Smith, Wright-Phillips; Crouch, Defoe, Owen, Rooney. Ashley Cole, Gary Neville, Jamie Carragher, Owen Hargreaves, Chris Kirkland and Jonathan Woodgate were all missing injured.

So, the goalkeepers look fair enough - James will be preferred to Kirkland, we suspect, on both international experience and first team games played - and the only real debate with the four strikers now is if Darren Bent is preferred to Peter Crouch, and after the way he worried the Argentinian defence we suspect Crouch will get the nod. Seven defenders and nine midfielders (counting Phil Neville as a defensive midfielder) in that squad but we'd go for levelling the numbers up, Ashley Cole for Konchesky, Gary Neville as the other defender in for, just to make it easier to follow, the luckless Alan Smith. We wonder, though - could Jamie Carragher come in for Luke Young? The Carragher bandwagon has been rolling steadily over the course of the season but while he'll find it hard to knock one of Campbell, Ferdinand, King and Terry out of the squad he can play full-back and Charlton haven't had the safest of seasons defensively. Jonathan Woodgate will have to wait for injuries, which seems odd given his renaissance in Madrid but not playing an international since the end of March 2004, when he started in Sweden, will count against him. Anton Ferdinand will justhave to wait.

Which leaves the midfield. The traditional starting four are all guaranteed places, and with King classed by us as a defender they have another option already settled which leaves four places open to, we reckon, eight live candidates, assuming Sven isn't really going to surprise us and use one of the next three friendlies to properly blood Nigel Reo-Coker or Aaron Lennon, although if he does, and the whisper is that the former isn't too outlandish a prospect, we could find ourselves very wrong. The eight include Scott Parker, who with Smith gone we suspect will get named in the Uruguay squad as reward for a season when he's been regarded as Newcastle's most consistent player but will face just too many obstacles to immediately be considered for the trip to Germany. Could Kieron Dyer's liveliness back from injury sneak him ahead of Shaun Wright-Phillips, who's not been all that consistent at international level (see Northern Ireland) and doesn't get the games? Will Jenas still be preferred to Carrick? Could Phil Neville's improved form see him get the nod instead? Does anyone still like Owen Hargreaves, who's been troubled with injuries of late? Shall we just assume Kieron Richardson's not coming back any time soon? We'll go Dyer and Wright-Phillips for attacking options plus Neville and Carrick, Michael sneaking ahead of Jenas due to his new club competition in the form of Danny Murphy, another player whose time may have passed through no fault of his own. Right, Sven, that's your job done for you:

Robinson, Green, James; Neville G, Cole A, Bridge, Campbell, Ferdinand, Terry, Carragher, King; Beckham, Gerrard, Lampard, Cole J, Carrick, Neville P, Dyer, Wright-Phillips*; Crouch, Defoe, Owen, Rooney

* Reo-Coker if wet

2006-02-07T17:44:00.000Z

Learn Contradiction With Rafa Benitez

"People talk about who will be the next national manager and for me he is a very good option"

"To talk now so many months ahead of a competition shows no respect for the current manager."

2006-02-06T21:39:00.000Z

Juventus' Fabio Capello and Pavel Nedved on thin ice, ho ho. It won't catch on just because British players can barely talk about football with authority, or indeed themselves.

2006-01-30T21:19:00.000Z

The spirit of Ali Dia lives on in Norway, although surely the giveaway was when the false player declared that his skills were akin to those of Denilson. Surely there are more convincing comparative points in 2006?

2006-01-28T12:33:00.000Z

We know how to enjoy ourselves, which is why we spent much of last night watching an off-air ITV recording of Cameroon v Argentina from the 1990 World Cup.

The first thing to say in light of its status as one of the greatest shocks in finals history is how little it resembled one. Argentina did nothing at all bar a couple of Maradona runs and touches - a quite beautiful chip over the top was completely wasted by Fabbri, who shot straight at the keeper, while Abel Babo pretty much fell over the ball when it seemed easier to shoot on target in the opening minutes, but as the game wore on their only hopes came from getting free kicks in the channels, Maradona marked out of it, whereas Cameroon could easily have scored more than one, Omam Biyik shooting when the ball across was the better option, Mfede shooting just over, Pumpido at full stretch more than once, Makanaky and Massing bossing the midfield. It's also notable how cynical the Indomitable Lions were at times - famously they had two sent off but Kana Biyik, who was first off, was victim of a semi-accidental clash of legs with a running through but still a good 40 yards from goal with another covering defender Caniggia, and this after some piledriving challenges from behind and Maradona, down every five minutes on average, kicked on the upper arm by a follow-through, drawing visible bruising with no punishment.

The other oddity, watching the tape from this distance, is how different it all seems from just 16 years' perspective. There's only a couple of evident dives, nobody jostles and shirt pulls at free kicks and corners, and every player bringing the ball out of midfield gets quite a bit of room, even given Cameroon's close marking. There's very little handwringing when the neutral areas of the ground boo the Argentinian anthem, the Italians cheering on every Cameroon attack vehemently. Curiously, though, the pundits are almost loathe to give the Cameroon dominance any credit - of course they're referred to as 'naive', but that still happens now. What's more evident is the way everyone is more keen to discuss Argentina's shortcomings before predicting that with Maradona they'll clearly win out eventually. And actually, you do miss the permanent score display, especially with the paucity of score captions throughout. Cameroon's veteran number nine, brought on as sub and getting a late decent chance, is captioned 'MILLER', a mistake again nobody would let on TV these days. Brian Moore made special mention of how he'd been to watch "the joy" of their training yet for about ten minutes he rechristens one of their midfielders Cyril Makanowu for no good reason. Oddly, with about thirty seconds left there's a brief cutaway to a crowd closeup, a rarity during the game, of a man who seems to be in all sorts of trouble, almost as if he'd fallen out of the tier above, but Moore doesn't notice it.

Oh, and Benjamin Massing's foul on Caniggia after trip attempts by two team-mates is still spectacular, and Omam Biyik's goal is a joyful moment partly because of Lorenzo's wild Steve Hodge for Hand Of God-style setup swipe and Pumpido letting it cravenly under his body. But then you knew that.

2006-01-26T19:09:00.000Z

Finally, an updated list of Premiership player injuries. Note Harry Redknapp very much not down to the bare bones, and take a wild guess who's top.

2006-01-26T13:53:00.000Z

Of course abusing Wikipedia is neither big nor clever, but we were drawn to this Sir Jack Hayward entry addendum:

2006-01-24T18:42:00.000Z

Topical Notes & Queries-style question: why is it called a bung?

2006-01-24T07:41:00.000Z

Yeah, we know we've not been of late, and we're sorry.

So, this Sven-Goran Eriksson era, which semi-amusingly seemingly survived monetary chancing, sexual impropriety, press naivety and public disenchantment, but as soon as he 'revealed' some football clubs have dealt in corrupt activities it was decided by the FA that he had to go. In fact, all current post-mortems on a career path not yet even finished - we don't know offhand if England are touring before the World Cup, but we'd suggest the players break stuff on the flight back to base just to square off the circle -are bound to be coloured by Eriksson's off-field activities no matter what the actual public response. The fan silence regarding the Fake Sheikh affair was deafening, not unreasonably as the press pack chose to lead on the idea that Sven had been conned by the News Of The World rather than any insight gained therein, the media alone in making a big thing of it long after phone-ins had been swamped by people asking why the media were making a big thing of it (and now we're sure the NOTW will now refrain from pre-finals cheerleading, obviously), mirroring the actual response to the two high-profile affairs, for all the effect they had on the abilities to do his job, and the Chelsea talks that have seen since him painted unilaterally as some kind of mercenary despite seemingly being willing to stay in an international position for eight years, if helped by a contract borne of unwarranted FA panic. Sven at Chelsea - there's one of the great What Ifs of our time.

In fact, if we put all this aside you could make quite a convincing case, even if one we may only see fully in retrospect - the best start to a coaching career in England history following Kevin Keegan's resigning with England bottom of their World Cup group, the almost forgotten Germany 5-1, the quietly impressive win over Argentina and matching of Brazil stride for stride until blowing up after conceding the 'dry leaf' free kick goal to Ronaldinho that was claimed at the time to be his signature set piece and as such has never as far as we're aware been tried out by him again, the four points off World Cup semi-finallists Turkey in qualifying for Euro 2004 where Eriksson was, in a somewhat unlikely development, hailed in some Continental quarters as a tactical innovator for his midfield structure even after the close-run penalty exit to Portugal and latterly qualifying for Germany by being the only team in the group to so much as win a point against Poland, never mind six. Some of the arguments against do border on the specious at times, such as columnists who bemoan his downgrading of friendlies having just filed a piece about how modern friendlies are worthless anyway. Maybe in the end his bad luck on the playing side was to be England manager at a time when the man on the street is more tactically aware than ever - after the Euro 2004 loss everyone centred on supposed inflexibility and a seeming lack of motivational attitude (the same thing that was called ice coolness when England won games) to such an extent you'd begun wondering if England had lost 4-0 rather than on sudden death penalties after coming back from a goal down in extra time.

So... now what? Despite the reported interest of Big Phil Scolari, which will be an experience for the tabloid hacks, and the out of thin air continual naming of Guus Hiddink as a possible candidate the feeling is at the FA that the next coach should be English if at all possible, a potentially pitfall-stricken road for more reasons than the idea that Steve McClaren or Sam Allardyce might become our national coach, the latter presumably the choice of those who berated Sven for tactical immovability. Observers have noted a decline in xenophobically motivated fan activity in the last few years of England away support, and while this may be partly due to the increase in travel restriction orders you can't help feeling it's as spurred on by it being shown that this coach is better than the last one or two, not overlooking that Howard Wilkinson might still have a technical role at the FA, and subconsciously a desire to prove the Daily Mail's Jeff Powell is the twat everyone knows he is once and for all. Not that this should be the only criteria Brian Barwick and his committee use, but it's worth a thought while you read another piece about money-grubbing naivety that fails to mention football.

2006-01-15T11:54:00.000Z

One day we'll get bored of people putting unfavoured players or managers on eBay, so we'll make Graeme Souness the last one mentioned here just so we can draw attention to the Q&A section.

2006-01-13T23:26:00.000Z

Thierry Henry retires

2006-01-07T11:20:00.000Z

The modern footballer

January 2nd: Antti Niemi declares happiness at Southampton and declares they only need to strengthen rather than sell players during the transfer window

January 7th: Antti Niemi in talks with Fulham

2006-01-06T12:10:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of posting, we've been hanging around YouTube for too long. Luckily, it does throw up a few things of interest:

The top 50 goals ever, apparently. Quick note: the goal they've listed as Di Napoli is actually Di Canio for Napoli (ended Milan's record length winning run, too), and 'van der Faart'?

A controversial selection of the 2002 World Cup's ten best goals

A tribute to Ronaldinho at Barcelona. Don't worry, the slo-mo bit doesn't last too long.

Always worthwhile, a selection of player fisticuffs, fouling, diving and general violence

A decent tribute, with footage we'd never seen before, to George Best

A neat summation, even if it does lean slightly on the outlaw side, of Wayne Rooney to date

2005-12-31T20:35:00.000Z

Since the 14th December, in conjunction with the Armchair Football mailing list - do join it if you haven't already, it's great - you, the visitor, have been nominating the greatest TV football treat of 2005. From all of 30 votes, including the climax of Cameroon-Egypt on Eurosport getting an undeserved no votes at all, your top three were:

3rd Pires' fluffed penalty

"What's he done?" It was right that on 22nd October John Motson should have been sent to Highbury to witness Robert Pires and Thierry Henry collectively manage the single silliest penalty miss surely in televised football history. Motson clearly couldn't work out what they were doing until the second replay, but Henry knew from the way post match interviewer Ivan Gaskell's simple "what happened?" sent him into fits of laughter.

2nd Bowyer v Dyer
16th April saw two moments at St James' Park that would be replayed endlessly over the following months, Steven Taylor's comedy collapse well on its way to becoming the new Wayne Hatswell Own Goal, but also Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer's fight. Sky's Football First surely spoilt the mood by being first to legally screen an event the whole nation should have been allowed to enjoy together on Match of The Day, where Hansen saw Dyer as "trying to restrain Bowyer" even though he was at the time enacting the same position as when Homer tries to 'restrain' Bart. "I'm sure a lot of people will find the fight funny" Gary eventually concluded, although as the Newcastle Fanzone representative said on that week's Monday Night Football "if you think it's entertaining you're just like Bowyer." That counted a lot of people in.

1st Mark E Smith reads the results
It was never in doubt, was it? It seemed some sort of bizarre practical joke when the music website Playlouder broke the story in September, but on 19th November the iconoclastic Fall frontman really did read the classifieds on the BBC's interactive Score service. In a move which surely helped swing the vote, the full experience is currently preserved at http://homepage.ntlworld.com/s.bending/mes_results191105.rm

2005-12-10T13:03:00.000Z

Apparently FIFA decided to go ahead with their own draw plans despite our effort for them, although Christian Karembeu suggested a similar guest booking policy to our own. So what are we to make of the actual draw?

GROUP A: Fix! Well, none of Germany's opponents are entirely comfortable - Ecuador qualified only behind Brazil and Argentina but won all their games at altitude, Poland only lost to England in qualifying and Costa Rica have struggled.

GROUP B: Hmm. On paper England shouldn't have to worry about qualification by the time they play Sweden, but Paraguay are no mugs having accelerated as the qualifying group went on. Drawing Trinidad & Tobago is almost as bad as drawing Australia in terms of supposed localised grudge match status.

GROUP C: Ah, the group of death. Argentina v Holland will probably have been a better game if it wasn't last, but the Ivory Coast got through the toughest qualifying group and have strength all over the place, while Serbia & Montenegro finished an unbeaten top of Spain's group and conceded only one goal in that time. If either of the big names take their eye off the ball, always a threat in their cases, they could be going home early again.

GROUP D: Mexico are surely the most likely seeds to fall at the first, without great international class and Jared Borgetti, the qualifying period's top scorer, can't get a regular place at Bolton. Portugal should top the group, while Iran have decent strikers but aren't immensely strong while Angola put Nigeria out and are worth keeping an eye on.

GROUP E: Italy make the final every 12 years, the last time in 1994 when Roberto Baggio virtually single-handedly hauled them through. This time there's the weight of recent history to contend with, Marcello Lippi chopping and changing every other game and great players not generally making for a great squad. This Czech squad is reckoned to be their best ever and they have strength in depth - they were Europe's top scorers - but have failed when the pressure was on before. Michael Essien and Stephen Appiah will aid Ghana but they're not hugely consistent, while there's a feeling in some quarters of the US sporting press that not matching 2002's quarter final place will be a letdown but the team is arguably not as strong.

GROUP F: What more to say about Brazil? Well, they've got a more than decent draw, and the devil inside us wonders if the finals record win of Hungary 10 El Salvador 1 in 1982 might be at risk when they play Australia. Croatia qualified relatively well and have a good defence but not a lot elsewhere, while Japan have gone backwards since 2002's impressive displays.

GROUP G: France's big problem is the squad is ageing together, not exactly helped with the hosannahs that greeted Zidane, Thuram and Makelele coming back from international retirement. They should qualify from here, though, especially as they beat Switzerland twice in qualifying. South Korea famously made the semis last time out and have regenerated the squad since but will be going some to go that far again. Togo have a giantkilling reputation but not much else.

GROUP H: This is one of the better Spanish sides to go to a World Cup, but the weight of history is against them and they had to rely on the play-offs to get this far. Ukraine, the first Europeans to qualify, have drawn parallels with Croatia in 1998, exciting newcomers with a strong forward line, and should follow Spain through. Tunisia will be the biggest barrier, African Cup of Nations holders and a good, solid unit. The Saudis beat the South Koreans to the top of their qualifying group but haven't had a lot of international class opposition.

The BBC website has already come up with not just a full schedule, and if you're still willing to watch Iran v Angola on day eleven you're clearly suffering from an advanced form of World Cup fever, but also a Predictor.

2005-12-10T09:38:00.000Z

Clearly some countries' methods are still less developed than our own. Finding out about being sacked on the radio? What's wrong with Teletext like any British manager?

You'll also see the boss in question "was hit by a missile thrown by one of the club's own supporters", which you'd think might grant him a couple of weeks' compassionate leeway.

2005-12-08T21:51:00.000Z

Let's do something sensible now. Back in September we reported on the Premiership Global Fans Survey, the results of which are, um, fascinating. 19% of fans apparently have their clothes and hair influenced by footballers. You despair sometimes, don't you?

Of course, this is geared towards flash, nouveau Premiership fans. Those who support Football League clubs are more earthy, less prone to naming their children after those of players (11%). Luckily, there's now a poll for them too, where we can get figures on who started supporting their club because it's "good value for money in comparison to other sports or leisure pursuits" and who, when asked "Who runs the league competition your club plays in?", would answer "The FA Premier League". It's a long one, more based on what fans actually think than what they do, which could make for some juicy results unless the Football League suppress them, although what "Who is the main title sponsor of the Football League?" is meant to prove is beyond us. Oh, and for some reason we couldn't seem to finish it without getting an error message about entries not filled in properly, which nearly caused us to change quite a few of our answers about customer satisfaction, we can tell you.

2005-12-08T18:38:00.000Z

The Unofficial 2006 World Cup Finals Draw

Welcome to this unusual setting for the IUFGN Pretend World Cup Draw, a largely pointless exercise which thus is in keeping with the rest of the site, an attempt to second guess what FIFA might draw out on Friday in Leipzig and one that's probably going to be better than the actual run. Only events can decide that, but there's no Sepp Blatter, that's for sure. Our entertainment for the evening, international cabaret artiste Jethro and singing sensation Kelly Marie, have departed, and now it's over to It's Up For Grabs Now to fulfil the draw...

With Germany allocated Group A and Brazil Group F, for some reason, we must start with drawing the other six top seeds. So:

Group B Italy
Group C England
Group D Spain
Group E Mexico
Group G France
Group H Argentina

So for those of you watching at home, England will be playing on Saturday evening - a boon for those of you taking advantage of the new 24 hour licencing laws, heh heh -then it's an early afternoon knockoffs on Friday 16th and Wednesday 21st June.

Huge names from the world of football are de rigeur at such ceremonies, and to draw out the second set of teams we're very pleased to welcome Romeo Zondervan. Romeo, would you do the honours?

Group A Czech Republic
Group B Portugal
Group C Ukraine
Group D Sweden
Group E Netherlands
Group F Croatia
Group G Switzerland
Group H Poland

The all-European pot throws up some intriguing matchups, not least England against Andriy Shevchenko's Ukraine. The final of Euro 96 will be replayed in group A, while Italy and Portugal wouldn't be anyone's idea of a walkover. Now, because there are too many damn Europeans in the tournament these days, Serbia & Montenegro have been put in their own special pot to ensure there are no more than two continental sides in any one group. We welcome Guy Whittingham to the stage to find out which of the South American seeds' group the former Yugoslavia will be taking part in... and it's Argentina's Group H!

We now welcome to the stage Brett Angell, who will dip into the pot containing the five African countries, Australia and the two remaining South American sides. So:

Group A Ivory Coast
Group B Tunisia
Group C Australia
Group D Ghana
Group E Paraguay
Group F Togo
Group G Ecuador
Group H Angola

It's happened! Hoist out the Photoshop clip art of convict uniforms and get Shane Warne on the phone for comment, it's the Poms against the Aussies once more! The last time these two met Australia won 3-0 at Upton Park against a full strength team, and if Sven lets his men do that again he'll surely be out on his ear. Meanwhile the fancied dark horses Ivory Coast get a real challenge in what's shaping up as this year's Group Of Death.

And finally, no big pretend FIFA occasion would be complete without the man they all call Marco Gabbiadini, who dips into the final pot - of seven, remember - to complete next year's line-up:

Group A Saudi Arabia
Group B USA
Group C Costa Rica
Group D Japan
Group E South Korea
Group F Trinidad & Tobago
Group G Iran

Plenty to talk about to round up - Germany are reunited with the Saudis, who they beat 8-0 three years ago, Paulo Wanchope's Costa Rica complete England's group and South Korea will have to beat Holland to continue the success story that started in 2002.

Following randomisation of the three non-seeded teams to determine the order of fixtures, here's those groups in full:

Group A Germany, Czech Republic, Ivory Coast, Saudi Arabia
Group B Italy, Tunisia, Portugal, USA
Group C England, Costa Rica, Ukraine, Australia
Group D Spain, Sweden, Japan, Ghana
Group E Mexico, South Korea, Netherlands, Paraguay
Group F Brazil, Togo, Trinidad & Tobago, Croatia
Group G France, Iran, Switzerland, Ecuador
Group H Argentina, Serbia & Montenegro, Angola, Poland

So the tournament, in this world, begins on 9th June 2006 with Germany v Czech Republic, while England haven't done too badly but may have to beat Australia to win through to the knockout phase where they'll meet someone from group D. Game of the first phase? How about Italy v Portugal (Thursday 15th June, 5pm) or Mexico v Holland (Saturday 17th June, 5pm). Group of death? We'd put forward Germany's own group, although Brazil and France appear to have positively got groups of life. Whatever, it's bound to be in our minds an exhibition of the beautiful game at the highest level, and may the best team imagineer a win!

2005-12-08T18:34:00.000Z

Phrases that, for the sake of your own sanity, you never wished to read: "All the things you expect from your team, are now captured in an exclusive new Cologne"

2005-12-05T19:57:00.000Z

"I spoke to Paul on Sunday and that was a result of 37 separate incidents I have had to deal with since appointing him as manager." In 39 days? What sort of hit ratio must he have reached at times?

2005-12-03T13:41:00.000Z

Well, to be honest, we can't say it was an unqualified success, but we got a chart out of it. What we did was ask various football bloggers of a worldly nature to name their top ten players in the world at the moment, scored them accordingly and came up with these results. Special thanks to Cheer Up Alan Shearer, Du Nord, Soccer Thoughts, Black And White And Read All Over and Round And White, some of whom are quoted liberally below.

The Top 20 Players In The World Today

20 David Beckham
Common belief has it that he's more a model than a footballer these days, but his application makes him a Real favourite whatever and he's arguably still the world's best crosser

19 Robinho
Not turned it on just yet in Spain, but brimming with tricks and potential. Liked balancing the ball on his head while running, which we need to see as soon as possible

18 Ruud van Nistelrooy
An old-fashioned unreconstructed goal machine, his scoring run at Man Utd is genuinely enviable and he might well be the best close range finisher in Europe

17 Adriano
Last year's Confederations Cup player of the tournament, he doesn't seem to be great to get along with, but there are few more worrying sights for a defender when he's running straight at you

16 Gianluigi Buffon
Italian keepers now have the reputation that English keepers had a couple of decades ago, that they're naturally going to be the greatest group of stoppers in the world. Buffon's agility and astuteness makes him the best of them

15 Carlos Tevez
We've sat through a lot of Next Maradonas over the years - where are you now, Ariel Ortega? - but they say there's a special something about Tevez. The subject last year of South America's biggest ever internal transfer, he's become that rarity, a popular Argentinian in Brazil, gallantly declaring he's not yet interested in playing in Europe. This is why Argentina are being seriously talked about again

14 Ronaldo
Overweight, not got his mind on the job, unfit, a liability to his club... and still arguably only injury really stopped him making it three top La Liga scorer honours out of three last season

13 Petr Cech
You wouldn't have thought Buffon would be beaten for the world's best keeper honours this time last year, but that's a measure of Cech's progress at Chelsea, setting a Premiership clean sheet record and making commanding a defence look easy

12 Juninho Pernambucano
Essien and Le Guen have gone but Lyon are still a nautical mile clear in the French Premiere Division largely through Juninho's free kick genius and passing skill. Still somehow not a regular in his national team

11 Paolo Maldini
In a couple of years we'll have to get used to someone else playing at left back for AC Milan and Italy, and it'll be difficult. Even at 37 and more than 800 games down for Milan Maldini retains the will to succeed and incredible footballing brain

10 Zlatan Ibrahimovic
"Maradona! Zidane!" Two ridiculously good backheel flicks in Juventus' last two Serie A games sum him up - capable of the unexpected, wonderful on the ball and a prolific scorer

9 Alessandro Nesta
"Assured, accomplished and never hurried." Few make the art of defending look as easy as Nesta, his positional ability and perfectly timed tackles means he's best placed to pick up the baton of Italy's national defensive fulcrum when Paolo retires

8 Zinedine Zidane
They say he's not as good as he used to be, but he used to be the world's most naturally gifted player so it's still a long way down to go. You'll still have to go a long way to find someone with his natural touch

7 Samuel Eto'o
Almost the unsung hero of Barcelona's championship season last year, he makes pace, finishing and drive look effortless

6 John Terry
Could he be the best header of a ball in the world? Dominant in the air at both ends, Terry also has the tackling skills, commitment and reading of the game that fully earned him last season's Champions League player of the tournament award

5 Andriy Shevchenko
Six goals in this season's five Champions League games to date tells its own story, 2004's European Footballer Of The Year is as deadly a striker as you'll find, "a dream striker, and a nightmare for opposing defenders", and will make Ukraine next summer's dark horses

4 Wayne Rooney
If ever a single player can be said to lift a side, Rooney's recent performances for a fading Man Utd exert the theory perfectly. You don't see physical presence and passion, for want of a better word, allied to sheer spectacular skill too often

3 Thierry Henry
Some say he's the world's most natural striker - shoots accurately from anywhere, always in for the slightest chance, an abundance of flair, ridiculously quick, twice Golden Shoe winner and now Arsenal's top scorer ever, and certainly not all those 192 were easily taken. He "scores every imaginable type of goal but who also creates nearly as many for his teammates", you pointed out

2 Frank Lampard
The cliche is top English players become so good because they're more willing to work harder. If that's the case Lampard must be the most restless of them all, having blossomed at Chelsea into an all-action, fully aware of the game and possessing a venomous shot, plus now the Premiership consecutive appearances record. Jose Mourinho and Matthias Sammer both reckon he's the best player in the world

1 Ronaldinho
Never really going to be a surprise, was it? The former Ronaldo de Assis Moreira's recent performance in El Classico set in stone everything that's said about him, in this case including "does things with a football I can't even comprehend, never mind attempt to do" - quick, creative, inventive (he's been filmed passing with a twitch of his back!), owner of a deadly shot and a full selection of passing ranges. Barcelona wouldn't be half the team without him. Every participant in this poll put him top, "the Pele of our day" one claiming, which just about seals it.

2005-12-02T19:13:00.000Z

Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger wrote one of our favourite football books ever, as you'll see if you look just to the right. Surely he has more productive things to do then his own World Cup advance draw?

We don't, by the way. See our own draw on the 8th.

2005-12-01T22:19:00.000Z

Is this the least dignified thing you've ever seen?

That - the ball, not Kaiser Franz - is Pille The Erudite Ball, the World Cup co-mascot. Erudite, yes, because it talks, and indeed was interviewed on Sky Sports News the other week, where he made more sense then Matt Lorenzo.

2005-12-01T20:56:00.000Z

It's said by Arsenal haterz (hey, we're modern) that Highbury doesn't exactly suffer from an overabundance of atmosphere. Clearly they're going to put a stop to all that nonsense effectively. We hope Quincy Owusu-Abeyie gets more games while this initiative is underway.

2005-11-27T17:05:00.000Z

A while ago Celtic and Rangers released a joint album of players' favourite songs, and those that remember the compilation including Frank Sinclair and Matt Jansen singing will barely forget it. Now comes Chelsea Players Top 20, out tomorrow and supposedly the start of a series. So, who are the new Simply Reds?

Kelis - Milkshake (Shaun Wright-Phillips)
Luther Vandross - So Amazing (John Terry)
Stone Roses - Fools Gold (Ricardo Carvalho)
Jay Z - Hard Knock Life (Michael Essien)
Mylo - In My Arms (Paulo Ferreria)
Spandau Ballet - Gold (Joe Cole)
Marvin Gaye - Lets Get it On (Robert Huth)
Usher - You Make Me Wanna (Lenny Pidgley)
KC & Jo Jo - All My Life (Eidur Gudjohnsen)
Groove Armada - I See You Baby (Carlo Cudicini)
Aailyah - Back & Forth (Didier Drogba)
R Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly (Petr Cech)
Lionel Richie - Stuck On You (Frank Lampard)
Christy Moore - Joxter Goes To Stuttgart (Damien Duff)
Jamiroquai - Seven Days in Sunny June (Hernan Crespo)
Kings Of Leon - California Waiting (Asier Del Horno)
Toni Braxton - You’re Makin’ Me High (Geremi)
Blu Cantrell - Breathe (Lassana Diarra)
Europe - The Final Countdown (Arjen Robben)
Bryan Adams - Run To You (Jose Mourinho)

So, what can we learn? Well, that English players still have a lot to learn from some of our European imports; that some musical fashions never change and the commercial end of R&B is now as ingrained as Phil Collins once was; and that we're never going round Arjen's for the night.

2005-11-26T23:04:00.000Z

Great comedy action shots of our time

2005-11-26T22:50:00.000Z

Frank Lampard broke the Premiership record for consecutive appearances today. The last game he missed was on September 30th 2001 at Fulham, and
Here's why. Whatever did become of Slavisa Jokanovic?

A slightly more feted foreigner is Juninho, who's been assessing what he learned in Europe now he's back in Brazil.

2005-11-23T20:20:00.000Z

Clearly the complaints about shifting fixture days due to TV requirements and the like don't apply in the same way in Zimbabwe, where two clubs are demanding to play on a certain day every week, both for religious reasons but not citing the same day. One, Amazulu, who we have to assume don't play in brightly coloured hemmed tops and run out to Too Good To Be Forgotten after all, have been thrown out of the league for refusing to play on Saturdays, a stance that won't see many migrating Man Utd fans turning up to support them.

2005-11-21T18:31:00.000Z

That'll stop football violence in its tracks - the Swiss boycott kebabs in protest over Turkey's post-match fight

2005-11-18T20:00:00.000Z

A reason finally found to watch the BBC's Score

2005-11-18T19:19:00.000Z

Because everyone hates Murdoch to the extent that they won't purchase or watch Sky Sports - right - the news that Sky's monopoly of Premiership rights is no more has been a cause for enjoyment in some areas. Well, maybe for these eighteen months. As it is, Sky with their billions to throw about will probably pick up five of the six seperate packages, or 115 games, with the rest quite possibly heading to a cable provider that will be out of reach for most - Setanta are known to be lining up a big bid, NTL have shown interest and we doubt the other national range cable providers wouldn't mind - or indeed a specialist broadband service. Will this really be in the public interest? (Or worse, ITV or Five.) Do football trustees remember ITV Digital well enough?

Also, what form will these packages take? Last time the rights were up for auction it was for four packages of differing sizes and grades, but the EC have been satisfied that these six will be of equal standing, presumably meaning the three biggest fixtures will be spread across them and after that it's hobson's choice with the smaller clubs - hey! - potentially right down the pecking order. To be fair worse has been predicted in the past, but the football broadcasting landscape can be so sudden in its modus operandi that maybe we shouldn't be too optimistic of a fairer deal.

2005-11-17T08:16:00.000Z

Alpay being responsible for a fight in the tunnel after a major qualifier? You'd think he'd have learnt by now.

2005-11-12T10:17:00.000Z

Croatian finds God, renounces foul play. We've got some literature somewhere from the UK Christians In Sport organisation and their leading footballing advocate - this is a few years old, mind - was Gavin Peacock, so it's not easy to see anyone that might disprove this theory unless you know better. We're not so sure how well his confession that he could have saved his team from losing crucial games had he still been a hard man will go down, but it's one for Rio Ferdinand to think about.

2005-11-10T07:16:00.000Z

Nothing before now has us more welcoming to the prospect of Sam Allardyce possibly becoming England manager than Paul Ince reckoning Glenn Hoddle should be given another go. Yes, the same Glenn Hoddle who's barely managing Wolves at the moment. Difficult to know where to start in critiquing these Ince quotes - how about the blase statement that "if Becks hadn't got sent off or Sol's goal had stood and we’d won (against Argentina, obviously), he’d probably still be England manager now", somehow imagining Campbell's goal being disallowed was in any way seen as controversial at the time. Indeed had England won that second round game "I felt we'd have gone on to win the World Cup", being as they would only have faced a relatively rampant Holland in the quarter-finals, Brazil in the semis and France in the final. Hoddle's real world credentials are apparently "He's made a comment and ended up getting sacked for that. Sven can go and do all his misdemeanours and still be in the job", which somehow assumes the Ulrika and Faria affairs actually offended England fans as badly as a direct criticism of all disabled people would rather than acted as a sideshow. Does Ince really think nobody has any memory of the wording of that Times interview?

Also, where's the idea that Sven's replacement should be part-time come from? Peter Taylor resigned his position as England coach in 2001 because he felt it was getting in the way of his club duties - assuming the next England manager is obliged to be offered a similar package to Eriksson's current salary, how would people feel if they then decided that if it was alright by them he'd prefer to carry on with his club duties too?

2005-11-04T23:50:00.000Z

And a big welcome back for tiny top-down play as the Sensible Soccer franchise gears up for a return

2005-11-04T14:03:00.000Z

How angry can someone genuinely get about being overlooked for a Manager Of The Month award? Maybe Boston will lose their next three games out of sympathy.

2005-10-31T16:50:00.000Z

Dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions curtailed

2005-10-30T22:58:00.000Z

Those of us who grew up in the mid-80s will have worshipped the beard of Kevin Toms like a religious icon through his Football Manager helmsmanship topped by putting his face on the box. Twenty years later he's back with his new idea, the wind melon! Sorry, we meant FootyMax, which he's being slightly cagey about the actual specifics of but does feature a great big picture of him in his pomp, which is all well and good.

2005-10-29T18:57:00.000Z

Over here the MLS will never shake off the image of a nation coming late to the game and assorted "we need breaks!" cliched imagery connected with the American way of television sport, but bugger us, any one of the ten goals up for their official Goal Of The Year contest would be endlessly talked about were it scored in Europe.

2005-10-29T14:59:00.000Z

The latest reports on Laurent Robert walking out on Portsmouth are so good we really don't want them to be disproved. Walking out of an away ground in your tracksuit and socks having been signing autographs ten minutes before? There's a kind of magnificence about that attitude that oddly not every Pompey fan agrees with.

2005-10-25T15:06:00.000Z

Never will G4 have been so popular - Jose Mourinho impersonator goes for Christmas number one. Egged on by Capital Gold, just to set the seal on its awfulness.

2005-10-25T06:58:00.000Z

We're unsure about the precedent being set in Gary Megson inviting two fans to abuse his players face to face, which is if nothing else very different to how Cloughie approached supporter dissent. For one thing, we only have Megson's word against the thought that most of it might have been aimed at him, or that the natural instinct of the adult fan to temper their language when actually in contact with their club's players didn't take over (managers get it in the neck everywhere). "(Megson) was walking to the dugout and I said 'Come on Gary. There's hundreds of fans who have traveled hours to watch us being outfought and outplayed in every department,'" one of them is quoted as saying. That's verbose for spur of the moment criticism.

2005-10-22T19:13:00.000Z

Come on, how many video clips require sourcing on this Saturday evening to a British audience? Like the good comedy it is, this rewards multiple viewings - Henry charging past the spot while Pires nearly plays it again before giving him the right verbals, the lack of movement in the Clock End, Distin's curious anger... in the whole scheme of things, however, one has to agree with Danny Mills' pithy comments.

2005-10-13T18:17:00.000Z

Well, that all seemed easy enough for England. Not much seems to have been made of the remarkable Polish record in the qualifiers - discounting the two games against England, their record was P 8 W 8 D 0 L 0 F 25 A 5.

So now where are we? This is the squad line-up we jotted down earlier today, remembering that finals squads are now 23 strong:

Robinson, Kirkland, James, Neville G, Young, Cole A, Bridge, Terry, Ferdinand, Campbell, Carragher, Lampard, Gerrard, King, Parker, Beckham, Wright-Phillips, Cole J, Downing, Owen, Rooney, Defoe, Johnson

We promise you, with 22 players this would be a near-impossible task, as you'd end up wondering how many left sided players you could get away with given if Carragher is pencilled in as Ashley Cole's reserve you wouldn't need more than three specialists in the centre with two ready to drop in from elsewhere. We're not sure about Downing as his form seems to be slipping, but with his main opponents for the place behind Joe Cole being Kieron Dyer and Kieron Richardson (unless Wright-Phillips fancies a go) and assuming the warm-up friendlies don't include experiments with the suggested 4-3-1-2 - no, we don't see Neville as a marauding wing-back either - there's not many suitable options. Andy Johnson is in as Peter Crouch has surely had his chance, Darren Bent can't keep that form up for the whole season and Vassell and Henry surely aren't coming back. What do you reckon?

2005-10-12T06:32:00.000Z

Admittedly this is just a survey of something called Walkabout, but prepare for really shitty comment pieces as women allegedly know the offside rule better than men. All women and all men ever in this case study, obviously. Also, women are apparently more likely to refer to flag bearing officials as assistant referees than linesmen. Oh well, disgusting, isn't it? By that line of thought all commentators are relative knownothings.

And the offside rule's not actually impossible to understand, is it? If the ball's played to a player who's beyond the last defender he's offside. There. There's various subclauses, but there's various subclauses to the rules governing foul play and nobody pretends they can't grasp that.

2005-10-12T06:27:00.000Z

Football broadcasting has never been a popularity contest, and it won't be one most are able to view from the season after next by the looks of it, as following Setanta and Telewest's entries into the Premiership rights bidding NTL are to jointly bid with ITV (yeah, because it worked so well for them last time) for the rights starting in 2007. At a time when broadcasters are emphasising the duty of care they have not to annoy the arse off football fans, why is everyone putting forward plans which will involve purchasing an impossible array of services? Who says terrestrial highlights packages are worthless?

2005-10-09T13:15:00.000Z

Just to, er, clarify, this is where the qualifiers stand going into Wednesday:

Europe

Group 1: HOLLAND are through. The Czech Republic need to beat Finland away to take second from Romania.

Group 2: UKRAINE are through. Second place is one of three, none of whom are playing each other. Turkey can make it easy by beating Albania away; Denmark need to beat Kazakhstan away unless Turkey lose by more than two goals, in which case a draw will do; Greece can qualify by beating Georgia at home and hoping Turkey lose and Denmark don't win.

Group 3: PORTUGAL are through. The other position is simple enough, being either Slovakia or Russia, who are level on points play each other. A draw will see Slovakia progress on goal difference.

Group 4: Perm any two from four. Israel are top of the group but have finished their fixtures and cannot go automatically through, and as far as head to heads go there's been one definite result between the four to date. So: Ireland go through if they beat Switzerland and France don't beat Cyprus, with France likely to be in the play-offs; France go through if they win and Switzerland don't beat Ireland, results determining second; Switzerland go through either if they win or if both games are drawn; Israel need France to lose to get in the play-offs.

Group 5: ITALY through, Norway in the play-offs.

Group 6: POLAND and ENGLAND both through, as whoever loses out in their Wednesday meeting will have enough points to be one of the two best runners-up.

Group 7: The other group in which nothing has been decided yet. Serbia & Montenegro v Bosnia-Herzegovina is the big closing game in more ways than one, as if Bosnia win and Spain don't beat, um, San Marino away they'll be through. A draw will be good enough for Serbia & Montenegro if Spain don't win by four. If Spain win by less than that they'll need Bosnia to win.

Group 8: CROATIA are through whatever happens, as they'd be through as best runners-up if they lost. Sweden can bring this into play only if they beat Iceland and Croatia are held in Hungary. Sweden have not yet qualified through second place, and may well fight it out with whoever goes through from Group 1. The play-offs, as with the international ones listed below, take place on November 12th and 16th, the draw being made on Friday.

South America

ARGENTINA, BRAZIL, PARAGUAY and ECUADOR are now confirmed as the four automatic qualifiers. The side that face Australia is one from three. Uruguay are through if Chile and Colombia both fail to win, or of course if they beat Argentina at home. If they don't, Chile and Colombia both need to win against Ecuador home and Paraguay away respectively, a draw being no good on the head to heads, on which Colombia head the other two.

Africa

Look away now, Pierre Wome - ANGOLA, TOGO, IVORY COAST and GHANA all make finals debuts, TUNISIA return.

Asia

Uzbekistan and Bahrain drew the first leg 1-1, second leg Wednesday.

CONCACAF

COSTA RICA joined MEXICO and USA through. The team that plays the winner of the above will be Trinidad & Tobago if they beat Mexico or Guatemala if they win over Costa Rica and Mexico get a point.

2005-10-08T17:09:00.000Z

Clearly not yet over the Ashes, the BBC elect to take the cricket scorecard naming convention on for international football:

2005-10-07T18:53:00.000Z

Right, so ahead of the climactic double header let's get all our qualification facts straight, if not easy to follow:

Europe Eight group winners plus two best runners-up through, other six group runners-up in play-offs

Group 1: Holland lead the group by four points from the Czech Republic, and they play each other in Prague on Saturday (Holland won 2-0 in Amsterdam last September). A point for Holland puts them through as group winners, a defeat and the Czechs can take them on the line by winning in Finland on Wednesday if they lose at home to Macedonia. Two Czech defeats and they'll be edged out if Belgium win their last group game on Saturday, also in Finland.

Group 2: Ukraine are the only European country to have confirmed qualification, but behind them it's one from three for the play-offs. Turkey are in second but have one game left, on Wednesday in Albania, by which time Greece could have overtaken them. They play Denmark on Saturday, and a Danish win will see them move a point behind Turkey. They then go to Kazakhstan on Wednesday while Greece host Georgia.

Group 3: Portugal need a point to qualify, and they play Liechtenstein on Saturday so let's assume that's that. Slovakia and Russia are locked on points for second, Slovakia eight goals up, and they play each other in Bratislava on Wednesday. Before then the Slovaks host Estonia and Russia play Luxembourg.

Group 4: Switzerland and the recently rejuvenated France are both unbeaten and tied at the top of the group, the Swiss being up by three goals, and they play each other in Bern on Saturday. A draw could leave, of all countries, Israel leading as they play the Faroes at home, but that's the end of their campaign. France finish on Wednesday against Cyprus while Switzerland go to the Republic Of Ireland, who are themselves only three points back and go to Cyprus on Saturday. Tense, in other words.

Group 5: It's not as clear cut as far as goal difference goes, but a point against Slovenia should see Italy through on Saturday, and then they've got Moldova on Wednesday. Slovenia are contenders for second place, level on points with Norway, who themselves host Moldova on Saturday. Don't rule out Scotland, two behind and playing Belarus before heading off for the potential crunch in Slovenia while Norway go to Belarus.

Group 6: Poland are five points clear but with one game left, and that's against the only other country who can beat them to it, England. Already confirmed for a top two finish, they have a home game against Austria on Saturday before the climax on Wednesday. Mind you, a win coupled with the Czechs and Croatia dropping points and a slot as one of the best two runners-up could be England's before then. But this is England, remember. Of course it'll go to the wire.

Group 7: Another queue forming - Serbia & Montenegro (ex-Yugoslavia) top the group and go to Lithuania on Saturday. Spain are their nearest challengers, going to a Belgian side who know they need a win to stay in contention, while Bosnia-Herzegovina, three points behind Serbia and just one short of Spain, host San Marino. Then on Wednesday it's Serbia v Bosnia all over again while Spain go to San Marino and Belgium head off to Lithuania.

Group 8: This one's easier, as it's a straight battle between Sweden and Croatia one point behind, and they meet in Zagreb on Saturday. Sweden go through with a win, anything else ad it's down to Wednesday's games where Sweden face Iceland and Croatia go to Hungary. The loser could have qualified by then anyway, of course.

South America Top four through, fifth in play-off

Argentina and Brazil have qualified, and Ecuador will too with a point against fifth place Uruguay that will also mean Paraguay are all but through if they bring back a draw or better from Venezuela. The possible question mark is in the shape of Colombia, who have better goal difference and play Chile, who might also squeeze through if Paraguay lose but it's a long shot, and then will go to Paraguay on Wednesday. Neatly, Ecuador are in Chile on the same night. Uruguay meanwhile go to Argentina on Wednesday, and if they do beat Ecuador who knows what fireworks might develop there. The team that finishes fifth are this year's entrants in The Great Putting Australia Out Contest, via a two-legged tie in November.

Africa Five group winners through

Group 1: A lot of unlikely potential qualifiers in this section, not least Togo here, who will go through with a win in Congo. Anything less and Senegal could pip them by beating Mali. All these games are this weekend, by the way.

Group 2: Congo will have to beat South Africa by quite some amount if they're to overhaul Ghana, who finish off in somewhere called Cape Verde.

Group 3: Cameroon are the expected leaders, having long had their six point deduction for their one-piece African Nations Cup kits overturned. They need to beat Egypt to avoid being pipped by the Ivory Coast, who go to Sudan.

Group 4: Nigeria v Zimbabwe is the big one here - Zimbabwe can qualify by scoring a hatful, but the more likely scenario is Nigeria qualifying by doing better than the unlikely sight of Angola, which is unlikely as they're at group whipping boys Rwanda.

Group 5: All down to the last game, Tunisia v Morocco, the away team needing to win to qualify.

Asia Four group winners through, one play-off

Nearly all decided, so we'll see Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Japan and Iran there. Uzbekistan and Bahrain were supposed to have had their play-off play-off last month but a refereeing cock-up meant their two-legged tie had to be restarted, with legs on Saturday and Wednesday. The winner plays their North And Central America equivalent, of which more shortly.

CONCACAF Top three through, one play-off

USA and Mexico are through - for the love of god, FIFA, don't draw the US against Iran or we'll be here all day - and Costa Rica hold the nap hand for the third, playing the US on Saturday and Guatemala away on Wednesday. Two slips and Guatemala themselves capitalise, although they have to win in Mexico on Saturday. As seems likely on paper, two defeats and Trinidad & Tobago beat them to fourth - Panama away, Mexico home - and that two-legged play-off in November against Uzbekistan or Bahrain. Just to run that by you again - one of Uzbekistan, Bahrain, Guatemala and Trinidad & Tobago will be at the World Cup. What a wonderful game this is.

2005-10-06T16:28:00.000Z

We've just realised we really haven't seen everything in our lives. The reason for this decision? Supermann by Folk & Rovere, a single currently in the Norwegian top 20 that affixes to a beat a Scandinavian man reading a list of 1970s English footballers' names while a bald man in a vintage Wolves shirt preens. Everyone should hear a heavily accented man going "Archie Gemmill... Kenny Hibbitt... Bob Hatton..." once in their lives.

2005-10-06T15:36:00.000Z

Jose Mourinho thinks the FA disciplinary committee are against him - what happened to leave Wesley Joyce (click on Southern League Premier Division, then the icon against Evesham United) with a 99-game suspension?

2005-10-05T20:58:00.000Z

It's as if Jimmy Greaves never left our screens - Alan Curbishley reckons the only way an English manager would join a top club is, in the case of his 5 Live co-interviewee, "if he changes his name to Alladerchi".

Sam, meanwhile, said he'd like to coach a top club abroad. No conflict there, then.

2005-10-05T18:46:00.000Z

Dear, dear. Supposedly it's to raise funds for the QPR women's team, which we're not sure makes it better or worse.

2005-10-01T22:10:00.000Z

Hold on, Derby dropped their keeper because his dad criticised the coaching standard on a local radio phone-in? How open to criticism is the senior Ferdinand?

2005-09-29T21:40:00.000Z

Looks like the World Cup organisers have found a role for the FIFA board members next year.

Anyone making Wayne Rooney jokes in the comments box will be excommunicated, by the way.

2005-09-29T20:57:00.000Z

Ron Atkinson's back, and il lui a donné de petits sourcils pour les portes tôt de bâton lointain. This is what's known in some circles as a fucking lazy thick documentary style.

2005-09-29T20:44:00.000Z

Score another one up for those newspaper lists of injuries - yes, we all know about Beasant and Rio Ferdinand now - as Rab Douglas falls down the stairs and rules himself out of Scotland action

2005-09-28T16:29:00.000Z

Oh, great - Roman Abramovich becomes even richer

2005-09-27T14:55:00.000Z

Sad, and peculiarly English, news from Manchester City, whose famed bell ringer died last week. Is there still one going at Portsmouth?

2005-09-26T21:05:00.000Z

While we try and figure out why we keep getting hits from the Suicide Girls message boards - well, you can see the similarities between our irregularly updated ill judged sarcasm and pierced girls with blue hair and no top on - you work out if there is a club in Britain whose potential takeover consortium Paul Gascoigne has yet to join

2005-09-26T20:19:00.000Z

Presumably they didn't get Tiswas in Alaves

2005-09-20T14:02:00.000Z

Not that we're suggesting the Premier League has a fatuous overinflated sense of its own worth, but its new survey, which at least incorporates a draw for VIP tickets to a game of your choice, includes the following:

* A list of leagues to be ranked as to how interested you are in them, including those in the UAE and South Korea. Well, when you're extending the brand you don't want your potential new customers' home leagues getting in the way.

* "Which three aspects of the Barclays Premiership are most appealing to you?" The list includes 'Atmosphere', 'Rivalry', 'Unexpected Results' (ha!) and 'Quality', however you're supposed to judge that.

* "Where do you usually watch the Barclays Premiership?" 'At the game with friends' is bottom of the list.

* A question about merchandise you own including 'tie', 'watch' and, gulp, 'Credit card/loyalty card'.

* An invitation to rank your favourite three players from a list of thirty players - no Robbie Savage, sadly, but including the properly named Bisan Lauren (Arsenal), popular El-Hadji Diouf, glamorous Claude Makelele and Zoltan Gera, for some reason. No Michael Owen, mind.

* "Thinking about the nations that have not yet won a World Cup, which of these do you think will be the first to win a World Cup?" Vote Burundi!

* "Which of the following is the most exciting football skill to watch?" Alan Shearer's diving header is in here for some reason, as is a 'Ronaldinho flick-flak'.

* "Which of the following do Barclays Premiership players influence your decisions on: Hairstyle, Clothes, Cars, Music, Children's name, Your lifestyle, None of these". See what we mean about how it should have mentioned Robbie Savage?

* Best of all, "what is your favourite match day snack?" The pie, chips, burger, yes. But this is an international poll, thus we're forced to summon up images of sunflower seeds, cakes, sushi, tacos, coiratos, entremeadas and, sir, beef jerky being dished out at, say, the Hawthorns on spec.

2005-09-18T11:15:00.000Z

You say "a bit of spirit", we say "kicking an opponent up the arse", let's call the whole thing off... You'd never guess from his quotes, would you, that Steve Bruce used to be an uncompromising central defender from such lines as "we like to see a bit of blood and thunder" and "we all know it is a man's game", which get dangerously close to Mark Pougatch's bizarre old bugbear about how people have paid to see 11 against 11 and a sending off, whatever it's for, automatically ruins the game.

2005-09-14T22:46:00.000Z

England reports: how to read

At this of all times, it's important to know the best way to approach broadsheet post mortems on England games. As a rule, IUFGN suggests you immediately turn the page if any of the following turns up in an article:

References to Eriksson's pay packet in the first two paragraphs

The phrase "overpaid prima donnas"

Ratings that judge David Beckham the best performing midfielder alongside a long piece about how playing David Beckham in the middle of midfield is detrimental to the team's chances

References to cricketers, especially comparing the respect they give the opposition

References to trenches and which type of players might be good in them

References to Eriksson's immobile style, a criticism oddly hardly levelled at, say, Arsene Wenger, who moves about just as much during games but - here's the friendly twist - stands up

Next summer, pieces by the self same writers blithely talking up England's prospects

2005-09-13T11:49:00.000Z

And we're back. With more satire!

2005-09-01T18:11:00.000Z

We're leaving you all until a week on Monday now, so we'll take our temporary leave with breaking news of Chelsea's surprise late signing

Richard did this

2005-09-01T07:15:00.000Z

George Weah's campaign to become president of Liberia might well receive an unlikely boost through the bad news for his own, as the national FA run out of funds to send the team to a World Cup qualifier in Togo. Apparently it's because their armed forces are being demobilised, which makes you wonder how their public spending is being divided.

2005-08-26T14:47:00.000Z

Thursday: Steve Claridge's early impact on Gillingham is fulsomely praised

Friday: Steve Claridge buggers off to Bradford. Clearly his playing career path is as decisively mapped out as his BBC Analysis interactive channel co-commentaries.

2005-08-26T10:44:00.000Z

Here's the sort of thing which should happen more often if we're any judges - Southend's appeal against Freddy Eastwood's sending off last Saturday dismissed for being "frivolous" and his ban increased. Frivolous!

We wonder how much of this opinion has been led on by Eastwood's own manager slamming him for the red card, mind.

2005-08-26T07:57:00.000Z

Surely we're not alone in thinking Wigan are setting their sights a touch low?

2005-08-24T16:53:00.000Z

Cause for celebration, surely, as Reading sign a man with a ludicrous name

2005-08-24T09:09:00.000Z

Hang about... that's Jonathan Woodgate?