Looks like the World Cup organisers have found a role for the FIFA board members next year.

Anyone making Wayne Rooney jokes in the comments box will be excommunicated, by the way.
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Ron Atkinson's back, and il lui a donné de petits sourcils pour les portes tôt de bâton lointain. This is what's known in some circles as a fucking lazy thick documentary style.
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Score another one up for those newspaper lists of injuries - yes, we all know about Beasant and Rio Ferdinand now - as Rab Douglas falls down the stairs and rules himself out of Scotland action
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Oh, great - Roman Abramovich becomes even richer
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Sad, and peculiarly English, news from Manchester City, whose famed bell ringer died last week. Is there still one going at Portsmouth?
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While we try and figure out why we keep getting hits from the Suicide Girls message boards - well, you can see the similarities between our irregularly updated ill judged sarcasm and pierced girls with blue hair and no top on - you work out if there is a club in Britain whose potential takeover consortium Paul Gascoigne has yet to join
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Presumably they didn't get Tiswas in Alaves
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Not that we're suggesting the Premier League has a fatuous overinflated sense of its own worth, but its new survey, which at least incorporates a draw for VIP tickets to a game of your choice, includes the following:

* A list of leagues to be ranked as to how interested you are in them, including those in the UAE and South Korea. Well, when you're extending the brand you don't want your potential new customers' home leagues getting in the way.

* "Which three aspects of the Barclays Premiership are most appealing to you?" The list includes 'Atmosphere', 'Rivalry', 'Unexpected Results' (ha!) and 'Quality', however you're supposed to judge that.

* "Where do you usually watch the Barclays Premiership?" 'At the game with friends' is bottom of the list.

* A question about merchandise you own including 'tie', 'watch' and, gulp, 'Credit card/loyalty card'.

* An invitation to rank your favourite three players from a list of thirty players - no Robbie Savage, sadly, but including the properly named Bisan Lauren (Arsenal), popular El-Hadji Diouf, glamorous Claude Makelele and Zoltan Gera, for some reason. No Michael Owen, mind.

* "Thinking about the nations that have not yet won a World Cup, which of these do you think will be the first to win a World Cup?" Vote Burundi!

* "Which of the following is the most exciting football skill to watch?" Alan Shearer's diving header is in here for some reason, as is a 'Ronaldinho flick-flak'.

* "Which of the following do Barclays Premiership players influence your decisions on: Hairstyle, Clothes, Cars, Music, Children's name, Your lifestyle, None of these". See what we mean about how it should have mentioned Robbie Savage?

* Best of all, "what is your favourite match day snack?" The pie, chips, burger, yes. But this is an international poll, thus we're forced to summon up images of sunflower seeds, cakes, sushi, tacos, coiratos, entremeadas and, sir, beef jerky being dished out at, say, the Hawthorns on spec.
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You say "a bit of spirit", we say "kicking an opponent up the arse", let's call the whole thing off... You'd never guess from his quotes, would you, that Steve Bruce used to be an uncompromising central defender from such lines as "we like to see a bit of blood and thunder" and "we all know it is a man's game", which get dangerously close to Mark Pougatch's bizarre old bugbear about how people have paid to see 11 against 11 and a sending off, whatever it's for, automatically ruins the game.
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England reports: how to read

At this of all times, it's important to know the best way to approach broadsheet post mortems on England games. As a rule, IUFGN suggests you immediately turn the page if any of the following turns up in an article:

References to Eriksson's pay packet in the first two paragraphs

The phrase "overpaid prima donnas"

Ratings that judge David Beckham the best performing midfielder alongside a long piece about how playing David Beckham in the middle of midfield is detrimental to the team's chances

References to cricketers, especially comparing the respect they give the opposition

References to trenches and which type of players might be good in them

References to Eriksson's immobile style, a criticism oddly hardly levelled at, say, Arsene Wenger, who moves about just as much during games but - here's the friendly twist - stands up

Next summer, pieces by the self same writers blithely talking up England's prospects
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And we're back. With more satire!
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We're leaving you all until a week on Monday now, so we'll take our temporary leave with breaking news of Chelsea's surprise late signing

Richard did this
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George Weah's campaign to become president of Liberia might well receive an unlikely boost through the bad news for his own, as the national FA run out of funds to send the team to a World Cup qualifier in Togo. Apparently it's because their armed forces are being demobilised, which makes you wonder how their public spending is being divided.
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