Wankers Of The World No.1 : Guardian columnist about to take Chris Morris down with him, Charlie Brooker.

"(I would) Remove all trace of football from the schedules…Actually no, we’ll still show it, but in a form that’ll deliberately enrage the fans – by superimposing an obtuse east European cartoon over the footage, accompanied by the sound of loud, atonal trumpets. Consider it retribution for the years of tedium and bellowing I’ve had to endure from the fans, ever single one of whom is a despicable idiot"

That's right, every single one. With no exceptions, apparently. Because this is the mid-80's, isn't it? Enlightened 21st century satirist Charlie Brooker there.

Any further Wankers Of The World nominations to the usual comments box.
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So what does one of the best, if not the best, penalty box predators in the world do in his summer off-time? Well, obviously, he gets married... online!
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Emails From People Who Haven't Quite Grasped The Workings Of The Site Proper

Hi I would like to know the REAL amount of love between Aimy Carp and Peter Jackson as I am Aimy Carp and I have just started going out wiv Peter so I would like to know how long it will go on for

We assume she's come across this and decided to cut a few corners. She requested an email back, but we'll put it on here and let her do the work to find their requisite love quotient. So, Aimy, it's 58%. Happy with that?
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Your attention is drawn from today to LISBONIC PLAGUE, the IUFGN Euro 2004 tie-in blog starting today and running through the tournament. Tell your friends!
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Good luck, of course, to Telford fans rooting around in the ashes of their former club - and by the way, Ceefax, what was with the p.312 "all three Conference clubs will stay up this season for the first time ever - Telford going into liquidation means that etc."? Was that all the story meant to you? - but can't a fan-formed club come up with its own prefix?
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Only the very biggest names in international celebrity and showbiz get to soak up the glamour of the Monaco Grand Prix. So what's James Beattie doing there?
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When the England squad fell out, it was collectively with the FA and everyone got back together again after a few words. In Greece, it's slightly more proactive, as a potential Euro 2004 squad member accuses another of precipitating an attack on his team-mates by fans
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December 2003 : Daniel Levy says he has identified the man who will be the next Tottenham manager

May 2004 : Frank Arnesen says the club have not yet identified their next manager

In other news, the headline all ITV Sport followers have wanted to see - Clive Allen sacked
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We don't give a shit about whether Beckham is staying in Madrid or not, but we have to note how the BBCi report refers in the *second paragraph* to 'The millionaire star'. We gather he works too.
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Clearly crime allegations against Premiership players has been going on for a lot longer than anyone thought
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Pub discussion turns into Commons motion, possibly not subscribed to by many London MPs
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They should bring back Quiz Ball, shouldn't they? We're particularly enamoured by some of the celebrity guest supporters on the teams - Kenny Lynch with Man City, Stewpot with Everton, Lord Willis (!) and Palace, John Pertwee v Nicholas Parsons... Also, Falkirk's Alex Ferguson! And they say he had an unspectacular playing career!
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Football Didn't Exist Before 1992 Update : Arsenal to get a gold Premiership trophy! Imagine if a team, let's say, won the Premiership, FA Cup and European Cup in the same season - the FA would have to strike something enormous made out of diamonds or something similar, wouldn't they?
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It's the new Rhodri Giggs!
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Now that another season is done and dusted, we think you'll find it insightful to look back nine months to see how hand-wringing's own Independent newspaper predicted the Premiership table would look by now:

1 Chelsea - "Much will depend not on the creative side that will be strengthened by the signing of Damien Duff, Joe Cole and Juan Sebastian Veron, nor the defence which looked solid last season... Géremi could be the player Chelsea have been craving."
2 Manchester United - "(Ferguson) has had to invest in more low-key players. That may not matter much in the quest for yet another Premiership title, but could prove crucial in Europe."
3 Liverpool - "Harry Kewell has arrived with the task of making Liverpool more sexy"
4 Newcastle - "the team are still young and may need one more season before they can go on to challenge for honours... there is often a lack of the tough tackling and leadership that Rob Lee used to provide. This might just be their undoing."
5 Arsenal - "much of the Gunners' potential success will depend on the likes of Patrick Vieira and Robert Pires putting pen to paper on new contracts. If they don't, this could be the beginning of the end."
6 Manchester City - "Forget Kevin Keegan's enthusiasm and forget David Seaman's determination to prove his doubters wrong, City's best weapon this season will be their new City of Manchester stadium.... provided the players do not get overawed by it themselves, the stadium should help secure more points than Maine Road did last season. City snuck into Europe through the back door that is the Fair Play League, but qualification could be easier come May."
7 Tottenham Hotspur - "Spurs have never finished higher than seventh in the Premiership, and there is little to suggest that they might improve on that record this term"
8 Everton - "any route into Europe would be welcome, but there is still a worrying absence of midfield craft"
9 Southampton - "at least their old insecurities have gone"
10 Blackburn - "The arrival of the exciting Australian winger Brett Emerton will help, particularly in Europe, but the squad look a little short of experience... If only Andy Cole and Dwight Yorke could recapture some of that old magic."
11 Aston Villa - "Optimists will say that David O'Leary's arrival to replace Graham Taylor at Villa Park must signal the promotion of youth and a repeat of his initial success at Leeds. However, pessimists (or should that be realists?) will point out that the Irishman benefited from a very generous chairman at Elland Road... A season of rebuilding."
12 Leeds - "Where do Leeds go from here? Up, presumably... Peter Reid steadied a sinking ship last season but whether he can drive the club back to the European places depends on his players' desire. The likes of Mark Viduka can be unstoppable on their day, but uninterested on too many others. The same cannot be said of Alan Smith, who is a Leeds man through and through and would be the last man standing on the deck if the vessel did sink next May. More likely is a mediocre but less traumatic season with a mid-table finish at the end."
13 Middlesbrough - "Some will say that Steve McClaren is a young and progressive manager who is the future of English coaching, while others will argue that he is best suited to the role of No 2... Whether McClaren's at times over-cautious system will allow Boro to flourish remains to be seen."
14 Birmingham - "The City manager clearly feels that, while his team are defensively sound, they often lack that creative spark in midfield. There were no such problems up front during the second half of last season, and the subsequent permanent signing of Christophe Dugarry should ensure survival." Dugarry scored one goal in 14 games and has now fucked off.
15 Bolton - "There will be tight defending, few goals scored and an emphasis on starting the season well. The rest, as Big Sam would say, is just a bonus."
16 Wolves - "Dave Jones has been strengthening the squad. The one question remaining is whether the signings are of Premiership quality... it is the Scottish international striker Kenny Miller who probably holds the key to survival." Two goals!
17 Charlton - "Without their excellent results at The Valley last season, Alan Curbishley's over-achievers might have fallen through the trapdoor in May.... (Matt Holland) rarely misses a match and his know-how will be much needed during what looks a tricky season. Could it be the drop again for the ex-Ipswich man?"
18 Fulham - "Jérôme Bonnissel is an experienced defender who will add some much-needed steel to the Fulham rearguard, but the Frenchman alone is unlikely to be able to save the Cottagers. Chris Coleman, for all his enthusiasm, has just nine months' managing experience and may struggle when the going gets tough. The three-year-long party could soon be over."
19 Portsmouth - "The former West Ham manager has always built tight-knit units, relying on teamwork rather than individuals, and that remains the ethos, particularly for this first season back at the top"
20 Leicester - "one senses that determination and organisation alone will not be enough to stave off relegation. Fourth from bottom is the aim, but bottom might be the outcome"
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How did it take them this long? That big tattooed, bewigged, bell-equipped Portsmouth fan accused in court of drunkenness
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The lighter side of hooliganism : Wheelbarrows!
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There's going to be some vaguely exciting news on the blog front for us, but until then, another one we've spotted is Gazzetta Football Scozia - clearly a man who knows more about Scottish football than us, if Rangers-leaning, and with actual proper opinions too, which is rarer then you'd think
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Suck on that, Barwick!
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God save us from advertising men with ideas on 'making the game more popular' - yeah, just try and hold us back from Southend v Rochdale now we know it's in the 'Coca-Cola League Championship Two'. (Although surely there's nothing untoward in calling it the Coca-Cola League - you followers of 72 clubs, what have your team been participating in over the last couple of seasons, then?)
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So we now have our Chant Laureate. Let us point out to you that this man, whose standard of work that "stood out head and shoulders above the others" is kindly outlined for us here ("We've got him on a four-year deal/But we still want more"? No), will be traipsing round Premiership clubs next season writing chants for them. Yes, because we see all fans willingly taking up his suggestions.
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Do Torquay have no other fans?
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Something for Sven, Claudio etc to consider - Martin O'Neill wins libel action over Liverpool move story We'd read a couple of months ago that legal experts had wondered aloud why managers and players didn't sue papers more often, and now their advice is being taken up, but what happens if O'Neill gets an offer he can't refuse from 'Pool this summer? Can they legally get their money back?
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You have to question the veracity of releasing a Euro 2004 single in response to the FA choosing Blazin' Squad to do the official song well after it turns out they aren't doing one after all, but especially when it's turning out like this one. How bad is this going to be? They're called Twisted X, they've hired James Nesbitt to sing on a record called Born In England, it won a competition on the horribly over-rated Christian O'Connell's XFM show, the bloody Libertines are involved (when we want a new Menswear we'll call you, cheers) and it's not as if they're the only people making a Euro 2004 unofficial anthem, yet you know already that this is, like Fat Les, going to be the subject of a press-driven campaign to make it the big anthem of the summer. We haven't heard it yet, but please make it stop already.
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Can anyone source us a picture of Lee Hughes with his current big beard?
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Sweet Jesus on a tricycle, this Internet is far too open these days. Here's some badly-written gay fiction about footballers, because nowhere else will you ever see the phrase 'Christian (Vieri) wants something, and Filippo (Inzaghi) has no idea what on earth it is.'
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